Satire | What your favorite song on Harry’s House says about you

As I’m sure you’ve heard from the billions of Instagram story posts from every former One Direction fangirl, Harry Styles is back with his third studio album, “Harry’s House.” Unlike his last album, “Fine Line,” where he mourned a relationship, Harry is smitten with Olivia Wilde and has made an album full of bops, just in time for summer.

Even if you couldn’t get tickets to his concerts because Ticketmaster has a vendetta against Harry Styles fans, here’s what your favorite track off of “Harry’s House” says about you:

Music for a Sushi Restaurant

You are funky — just like this song! You probably have a really cool style and drag your friends to all the newest restaurants to try new foods. And let me guess… your favorite food is sushi? If I’m right, you have to buy me tickets to a Harry Styles concert now, those are the rules!

Late Night Talking

When Harry played this song at Coachella, you were aching for it to be released, and once it was, you were not disappointed! You are probably a night owl and love to stay up into the early morning hours — especially if you are talking to someone you like. Just remember, sleep can be a valuable thing and melatonin gummies are a lifesaver when you can’t sleep.

Grapejuice

Do you like this song or do you just like wine? You are a highly nostalgic person, and whenever you have one sip of wine, you cry because you just love your friends so much or you remember your childhood dog who died 10 years ago. It’s okay to let go sometimes, I promise!

As It Was

You probably accounted for half of the listens that allowed “As It Was” to become the most-streamed song by a male artist on Spotify in the first 24 hours. After the music video came out, you searched far and wide for a sparkly jumpsuit to match Harry’s. You have also changed a lot in the past few years, so listening to Harry sing “you know it’s not the same as it was” caused you to spiral into an existential crisis.

Daylight

The James Corden-directed music video aside, this song is definitely a bop — and anyone who likes it is awesome in my book. You are a sweetheart and you care about the people in your life. You also definitely cried as a child when your mom wouldn’t let you keep the snail you saw on the street as a pet. I also feel like you watched “Winnie the Pooh” as a child. 

Little Freak

You were not stunned by some of the R-rated lyrics in this song — in fact, you LOVED it. I feel like you are the brave one out of your friends, willing to go up to a stranger on the street and ask where the nearest party is. You have also reclaimed the term “freak” — it’s a badge of honor, not a synonym for weirdo!

Matilda

Hey there Taylor Swift, Lorde and Phoebe Bridgers stan! You are sad — just plain and simple! You definitely cried when you first heard this song while thinking about your childhood trauma. Chin up girlboss, you’ve got this!

Cinema

You are a film bro who is way too excited to see “Don’t Worry Darling,” starring Harry and directed by Olivia Wilde. You also care more about the sound of a song than the lyrics — Harry isn’t necessarily Shakespere with the lyrics of this song.

Daydreaming 

You have taste — and I’m not just saying that because it’s my favorite song on the album. Fun fact about this song — John Mayer is playing guitar on it, so now you have a fun fact to tell people about your favorite song! You are just a cool person, simple as that. And there are definitely about 10 people who have a crush on you at the moment and you have no clue.

Keep Driving

You believe ignorance is bliss or the less you know the better, and honestly, good for you. You are about to have a hot girl summer — regardless of your gender identity — and pretend that school is not looming near.

Satellite 

I just KNOW you were a big One Direction fan back in the day — this song sounds like it could be straight off of “Four.” The first time you heard the big breakdown at the bridge of this song, you claimed it as a favorite. You are also religiously following the Olivia Wilde, Harry Styles and Jason Sudeikis drama.

Boyfriends 

You have been burned by many men, and this song made you realize that none of them will ever be as good as Harry Styles — but honestly, that was a given. I feel like you give the best advice and are like an older sibling to your friends, but you often don’t follow your own advice.

Love Of My Life

You are a drama queen, but in the best way possible. When you have a crush on someone, it’s love at first sight — but also when you stub your toe, it’s the end of the world. You are a sucker for a dramatic rom-com ending where someone is running through an airport for the love of their life, and don’t worry, you’ll get your rom-com moment soon!

Rachel Soloff writes primarily about the entertainment industry and how lame antisemites are. Write to her at [email protected]